Why is it, after I've had a great day with my friends, that I look at pictures of myself and want to vomit? I don't know. I feel like I'm completely obese and ugly and terrible looking. This post isn't to inspire "Oh but Julie..." comments...so please don't. It's just a rant....I guess.
I wish I could see myself in a positive light...one where I didn't hate everything about myself-- from my face, to my hips, to my bum, ---to basically everything on my body. I dunno. Isn't that what therapy and drugs are supposed to do---solve all of these problems? Maybe I'm just having a negative emotion type of day...I walked past windows and DC and just ....I dunno...almost cried. Right then and there in front of the people I am generally the most comfortable around. Why can't I just enjoy myself? I may never know.
The majority of my weight/self esteem issues began after I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was ten...but I remember when I was little I was always self conscious of how I looked. Third Grade especially. I had just moved to a new school and I did that thing where you pork up before you grow a bunch...so that was fun. But when I was little, my brother used to know what really got to me -- he would make a tummy signal with his hands, as if I were fat. I don't think you could really call me fat as a child...just as a third grader. There were some harsh pictures from that year. ICK. It's just sad that at such a young age I was so worried about that. Arent those the years where you are supposed to be young and innocent? I suppose so...but my innocence was taken from me at the age of ten when I had to grow up and learn how to take care of myself. Most girls my age were running around, having fun, and not having to worry about what their bloodsugar was...not having to care about how many carbs were in a nutty bar or in the lunch their mom packed from home....but I was stuck with it...I guess. Even now, in college-- people get packages from home all the time. Ones with notes, magazines, and little odds and ends. What do I get? Medical packages. Always medical packages. Whether its prescription meds, dexcom supplies,or animas pump supplies...I've just learned not to get my hopes up when I get a "YOU HAVE A PACKAGE!" email from st. mary's.
Anywho... After the diabetes hospital experience, everything went downhill from there. Not only did my pancreas fail, so did my thyroid. I was diagnosed with Graves disease ( hyperthyroidism) within a year of getting diabetes. I mean, it makes sense....they are both part of the endocrine system...and I'm doomed anyway so, hell, why not give me another disease. Depression came on in the 10th grade. I couldnt go a day without crying/breakingdown/etc etc. Med count then: 3 - insulin, synthroid and lexapro. Now its 5 - insulin, synthroid, lexapro and 2 wellbutrins (also for depression)
I once had a sleepover with my friend MB where I said something like "Jesus and God are sitting up on a cloud and they look down and see me. Jesus says to God, "Hey look...fuck that Julie girl....lets give her another disease!" -- now before anyone (if anyone even reads this) goes apeshit that I was talking about Jesus and God--it was a joke. MB's youth counselor like scolded her for that when she put it as her status...ha-ha. I've learned to make fun of myself when it comes to my illnesses, but when it comes to my body type/structure/weight...I don't give myself a break. I look terrible. I'm gross and thats how I feel about myself. I suppose its good that my mom is helping me this summer.* I mean...it's not like I dont exercise. I do. I played hockey for like 5 years and Ive danced for 16....its just...my body hates me--ha-ha-ha* I've always dreamed what it would be like to be thinner...maybe this summer my body/life wont hate me and let me lose the stuff I don't want anymore.
Fat. Ugly. Gross. Diseased. I should've used those things to describe me in my interview today...though if I had...the interview wouldve gone downhill.
Sorry for the depressing post...I needed to let it out somewhere or I would've sat in my bed crying until I fell asleep. I need advil cause I've got this killer headache going on.
Peace.
PS: I'm home--wouldn't you think that would make me happier? Guess not....
P.P.S: If you leave a comment-- let me know who it is <3 :) (Dalyce and whoever else -- thanks for the support :) Dalyce -- Ill definitely hit you up for the gym!)
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Just remember you are loved. We love you girl. Don't let the world get you down, because we've got your back. Pick your pretty chin up. Because you're worth it.
ReplyDeleteomg julie!! heyy remember swim team together and car pooling and talking about diabetes way back when?? its soo interesting that you wrote this post becuase girl let me tell you that ive kind of been going through the same thing!
ReplyDeleteI ballooned up after i was diagnosed and although highschool sports helped, it just got worse this year in college! PLUS my thyroid is going berzerk too so im on thyroid meds too!!
lately ive been kicking it into high gear and working out! no better way to feel better about myself, than to get natural endorphins!! its never an easy journey (especially with good ol' diabetes : / ), but you cant feel bad for yourself. you gotta stay positive, trust yourself, and look for ways to get better ya know?
i'm sorry you have these opinions about your body, but i guess in a weird cynical way its good that you have realized what you WANT...now you just have to work to GET there. if you ever want a workout buddy since youre home from school i will deff do that with you!! hahah we havnt seen each other in god...YEARS but it would be cool to switch things up with my workouts and reconnect! also i feel sooo lonely since im like the only diabetic around where I live hahah.
so my offer is always on the table, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, just facebook me and we can talk! good luck! and feel better!! remember you're never alone : )
-Dalyce Wilson
I've been there too! I used to feel exactly the same way about myself, Jules! And I won't be much of a workout buddy since I'm gonna be on crutches all summer, but I'm here to listen to body rants and to let you know from someone who's been there that it does get better!
ReplyDeleteLove ya,
Steph
Guess what? I love you.
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring towards everyone, and kind (even though you often tell me that no one likes me). And I know you don't want any "Oh but Julie..." comments, so I won't do that, but just know that you are loved by so many people, and in the end, that is all that matters.
I'm always here for you if you need me, and we will be fitness buddies this summer for sure.
i love you.
MB